


Biochemistry for Dummies

by Corey5268



Category: Deadpool - All Media Types, Marvel, Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - No Powers, Alternate Universe - Professors, Colleagues to Lovers, Dadpool, I have the spideypool discord server to thank for this universe, Idiots in Love, M/M, Oblivious Peter Parker, Peter teaches ALL the sciences, Pining, The history department is having a civil war, Wade is playing the long game here, Wade teaches gender studies, is Dr. Parker okay?, like 10 different people created it with me, over the byzantine empire
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-15
Updated: 2019-06-30
Packaged: 2020-05-12 14:31:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,036
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19231033
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Corey5268/pseuds/Corey5268
Summary: Wade Wilson, single father, veteran, and darling of the gender studies department, really didn't expect to be one of the most gossiped-about professors on campus, but here he is. Guess that's what he gets for falling in love with Dr. Peter Parker, human disaster extraordinaire. Shame he doesn't have the benefits of, you know, an actual relationship yet.





	1. RateMyProfessor

**Author's Note:**

> I would very much like to thank the 10 people or so on the Spideypool discord server that I brainstormed this AU with. A few of them should be posting their own takes on this universe in the not-too-distant future.

From [ ratemyprofessor.com](http://ratemyprofessor.com/) :

 

Wade Wilson

Professor in the Gender Studies department, Rorekstead College

 

Check out similar Professors in the Gender Studies Department

[Watson, Mary Jane 4.2 ]

[Danvers, Carol 4.9]

[Maximoff, Wanda 4.0]

 

Overall Quality: 4.8

Level of Difficulty: 3.6

 

Comments:

 

GEN211

Overall quality: 5.0

Difficulty: 4.0

Grade received: B+

I took the Gender and the Media class he taught with Professor Watson from the journalism department. Best class EVER. Professor Wilson made us laugh until we were crying, and Professor Watson was prepared for literally any question. Learned a lot, maybe broke a rib from laughing.

 

GEN101

Overall quality: 2.0

Difficulty: 5.0

Grade received: D+

He’ll kick you out of class if you disagree with him.

 

GEN101

Overall quality: 1.5

Difficulty: 2.5

Grade received: withdrew

Took this class and it was terrible. Proff Wilson tried to belittle me when I  _ dared _ to challenge his teaching methods. Don't take this class. Its awful.

  
  


GEN303

Overall quality: 5.0

Difficulty: 3.0

Grade received: A-

My 3rd class with Professor Wilson. He’s ex-military, so his Armed Forces and Masculinity class was super interesting. I miss him throwing people out of class for bigotry tho. If nothing else his 101 class is worth it for that alone.

 

GEN303

Overall quality: 5.0

Difficulty: 3.0

Grade received: A

I always enjoy Professor Wilson’s classes. He makes sure to get a really broad selection of readings from different perspectives and sources. Also he definitely implied that he killed a man with a paperclip once? I haven’t been able to find any evidence to confirm, but I’d believe it.

 

\-----

Peter Parker

Professor in the Physics department, Rorekstead College

 

Check out similar Professors in the Physics Department

[Stark, Anthony 3.8]

[Richards, Reed 3.0]

[Pym, Henry 3.8]

 

Overall Quality: 4.2

Level of Difficulty: 4.0

 

Comments: 

 

PHYS202-1

Overall quality: 5.0

Difficulty: 5.0

Grade received: C+

Class was great, but I’m worried about Dr. Parker. Does he sleep? What department is he even technically in? The class was straight up called Biomechanics for Dummies. He teaches like 9 classes in 4 or 5 subjects. Not sure if he works FOR the college, or if he just wandered in and started lecturing one day.

 

PHYS101

Overall quality: 5.0

Difficulty: 3.0

Grade received: A-

Building rube goldberg machines for our last few labs was super fun. Dr. P is really funny.

 

PHYS302

Overall quality: 3.0

Difficulty: 5:0

Grade received: C-

Forget your units one time and he marks the whole thing incorrect. Ridiculous.

 

 

CHEM411

Overall quality: 4.5

Difficulty: 4:0

Grade received: B

One of my favorite classes this year. Professor Parker is truly fantastic. Kinda stressed all the time; he got a lot of visitors from other departments. Great fun, but wasn’t the best for education if that’s what you’re into. My comrades and I made a bet as to which semester he would have a breakdown in- everyone lost, it was in christmas break. Anywho, you’re in for a ride in Dr. Parker’s class.

 

BIO202

Overall quality: 5.0

Difficulty: 4:0

Grade received: A

Dr P is so passionate about his field! (Fields?) Clear grading criteria, and fun demonstrations. If you’re ever confused he’s super happy to help explain outside of class. That other prof was always in his office during his office hours, though?

 

CHEM403

Overall quality: 5.0

Difficulty: 5.0

Grade received: A

Dr. P supervised my senior research seminar. His tangents were so much fun. We’d go from talking textiles to throwing shit off the room to test tensile strength. He’s not a big fan of all lab safety procedures. I once asked him if he should be drinking coffee in the lab, and he looked me dead in the eye and said “I’m not near the chemicals, and I haven’t died yet.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Every story has to begin somewhere. This one begins three years ago

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to Voidbean and DramamineOnTopOfMe for beta reading this chapter!

_Three years ago_ …

 

Wade could never decide whether working at a tiny school was a good thing or a bad thing in terms of holiday parties. On the downside, every department had their holiday parties together every year. On the upside, every department had their holiday parties together every year, and that shit was _hilarious_. Most years, he was content to sit at the fancy gala and sip copious amounts of eggnog that he didn’t pay for, and watch the theater professors stir something up. Or, as he was doing at the moment, watch the history professors fight their years-long civil war that restarts whenever there’s alcohol. Rogers was just starting to wedge himself between Barnes and (the other) Wilson when a familiar redhead blocked Wade’s view.

“Drinking alone, Wilson?”

“MJ! You’re just in time for the show! Sam’s about to go into his tirade about--” 

“EMPRESS THEODORA WAS A PROSTITUTE!”

“YOU’RE A MORON. I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU THINK SHE DID NOTHING FOR BYZANTIUM!”

“Right on cue,” Wade said dryly, taking another sip of his ‘nog. “You ever planning on sitting down?” He grinned and gestured at the chair to his right. MJ snickered and shook her head.

“Nah. I managed to drag my friend out of the labs to actually show up this year. I wanted to see if you felt like drinking with us instead of trying to look cool and aloof. Have you ever met Peter?”

“Your ex? You still hang out with him?” Wade raised a single eyebrow.

“Do I still hang out with my childhood best friend that I only dated for about a year? Yes, I do. Because I’m an adult. Come on.” Without another word, she turned around and started making her way through the crowd, never looking back to see if Wade was following. She didn’t need to. In another life, Wade probably would have been head over heels for Mary Jane Watson. As it is, in this world, they met when Wade was stationed in Afghanistan and MJ was reporting for the New York Times. She was only a few hundred feet away from the explosion that formed the scars that ran from the top of Wade’s neck to his waist. She was his friend during the long recovery process, a period of time in his life that firmly sorted everyone into the “bro” category no matter how hot. Wade is perfectly content with MJ being his friend, drinking buddy, and the co-professor of their Gender in the Media seminar. He’s also perfectly content to follow.

“So your friend’s a scientist? _Nerd_.” Wade laughed before taking another sip of his eggnog.

“He’s right there,” MJ said, pointing to a guy sitting alone at one of the tables. “Go call him a nerd to his face.” Wade followed the line of MJ’s finger, and promptly choked on his eggnog. Shit. The guy looked like one of those actors in movies that they try to tell you is an ugly nerd because they’re wearing glasses, but it doesn’t work because the glasses just make them hotter. Wade tried to nonverbally convey his panic to MJ, but she just had a shit eating grin on her face.

“You’re a piece of shit for not giving me a heads up. You know that, right?” He hissed while they were still out of Peter’s earshot.

“Mhm. Peter, this is Wade. Wade, Peter. Now that you two losers aren’t alone, I’m going to get some more eggnog. Be right back,” she said, already walking away.

“For an award-winning journalist, she sure has a way with words.” Peter said, almost to himself. Wade snorted.

“I had a front row seat to watch her take down half a dozen high level US military officers with nothing but an iPhone and a shitty wifi connection. She’s scary enough not to need words anymore.” Peter grinned at him, and Wade was pretty sure it was some kind of magic. Might have extended his life expectancy by a few years. Dunno. He figured he could operate on some kind of photosynthesis from the light from that smile alone. That’s how science works, right?

His train of thought was interrupted by Peter sticking his hand out for a handshake.

“Good to finally meet you. I’m Peter.”

“Hi, hungry! I’m Dad!” Wade chimed in, accepting the handshake. “Shit. Don’t know why I thought that made any kind of sense there. I’m Wade. MJ already introduced us.” Peter laughed at his shitty joke, and Wade realized that he might literally murder someone if it would make Peter laugh again.

“Huh. I guess something went wrong in your... **nog** gin.” Peter snorted at his own shitty joke. “Or mine. I’m way too sober to have any excuse for that pun. Not my best work.”

Wade likes to think he’s not a complete moron. He’s had moments in his life that he’s glad he immediately realized were life changing, and that he should desperately cling to the memory and gravity of the moment. This was one such moment. _The_ moment, in fact, where Wade Wilson decided that he was going to marry one Peter Parker.

It was around this point that MJ returned with eggnog for all three of them. As she handed Wade his glass, she caught his eye, grinned, and gave him a slight nod. Wade pulled out his phone to text her immediately. 

[](https://www.flickr.com/photos/182360183@N06/48165296926/in/dateposted-public/)

Her phone vibrated, but she just ignored it. This conversation would continue later. He looked up to see Peter giving him a weird look.

“Sorry. My babysitter was just checking in. Ellie’s not a big fan of bedtime,” Wade lied smoothly. Peter smiled again.

“You have a daughter? How old is she?”

“Five. She thinks she’s an adult now. She, uh...she’s the reason I’m a professor actually. I was given custody around the same time as I picked my college major, and I held her up and tried to figure out what the fuck to do with a baby daughter. So I had her throw darts at a dartboard. Pretty impressive for a kid who couldn’t even sit up on her own.” Peter snorted.

“So not only did you do your undergraduate degree _and_ keep a baby alive, but you also started training her for the Olympics. When’s her first half-marathon?”

“ _Please_ ,” Wade scoffed. “Don’t patronize my daughter. She’s _five_ , not a toddler. We’re way passed that point. She won the Boston Marathon this year.”

“I apologize for my ageism and general lack of confidence in her abilities.” Peter amended, voice appropriately solemn, but eyes mirthful regardless.

“I picked gender studies so I could figure out how to make the world better for her. Safe from philistines like you.” Wade sniffed dramatically, and broke eye contact. Upon looking at the ground, he noticed that Peter was wearing Converse with his suit. Cute. Very David Tennant of him.

“Figured the easiest way to live the single dad life was to get through all that as fast as possible so I could, you know, feed us. Did undergrad and grad school in four years, then MJ managed to get them to give me a job here about a year and a half ago. And now a stranger knows my life story. We’re best friends now, Peter. It’s that or killing you for knowing too much.” Wade stared him dead in the eyes. Peter, to his credit, didn’t flinch.

“Fair trade,” he agreed.

“Nah,” Wade said with a wave of his hand. “A fair trade is you spilling _your_ guts. I want to hear about the infamous Peter Parker.”

“Infamous? There’s not that much to tell.” Peter shrugged. MJ, who Wade had forgotten was there, scoffed loudly.

“Not much to tell? Please. What about the fact that you have three PhDs under your belt before your 30th birthday?” MJ seemed like she was gearing up to brag based on the way Peter started blushing, so Wade felt like it was his duty to egg her on.

“ _Three_ ? How did you have time for _three?_ What did you even study?”

“Biology, chemistry, and biomechanical engineering,” Peter mumbled. God, he was so cute. “I haven’t slept since middle school. It’s been a long 15 years.”

“Just so you know, I’m going to give you a hug now. I think you need one,” Wade declared, stretching his arms out and making grabby hands. Peter’s eyes lit up.

“God, yes. I’m so tired. I do all my sleeping over the summer.” Peter stepped into Wade’s arms. Wade responded with his biggest bear hug, wrapping as much of himself around Peter as he could. Peter yawned. “I’m going to fall asleep on you.”

“Baby, I’ll be your pillow any time.” Peter snorted and snuggled in. MJ just wiggled her eyebrows at Wade. She deserved the death glare that she got in return. After a minute or so, he started to move out of the hug. Reluctantly, Wade let go.

“Thanks for that. God, I’m so excited for winter break. I’m about 10 minutes away from burrowing into a snow drift at all times.”

“How many classes do you teach?” Wade raised a suspicious eyebrow of suspicion. Shouldn’t he have a little _less_ grading to do than someone in the humanities department? Peter furrowed his eyebrows, pausing for a second before answering.

“Seven?”

“HOLY SHIT, SEVEN? _SEVEN?_ ” It’s possible that Wade yelped a little bit, possibly drawing the attention of nearby faculty members. “I’m teaching four courses this semester, and it’s a _lot_! How the hell are you alive?” Peter blushed again.

“Coffee? Sheer willpower? Strategic naps?”

“Jesus fucking christ. Note to self: help keep Peter alive next semester.”

“I’ve made it 28 years. I think I’m okay,” Peter insisted. “Functioning adult, and all that jazz.”

“Surviving is not thriving, my new bestest buddy. It’s too late. I’ve joined your pit crew. Vroom vroom, baby.” Wade snickered at himself. “Call me anytime you need a tuneup,” he added, throwing in a wink for good measure. Peter, bless his heart, just looked a little confused. Good thing Wade had already committed to the long haul. The road ahead would likely be bumpy, and the ghosts lying ahead would be angry. But no matter what, the cast of Long Haul Paranormal Ice Road Ghost Truckers would persevere with their EMF meters—

“Uh, call me if you need a science, I guess,” Peter said, interrupting his reverie. “Almost any kind of science. Not necessarily great at psychology though. That’s more Natasha’s department.” Peter snorted. “Get it? Because she’s literally the department head? Haaaa. I need another drink.” 

Wade laughed along with him as they started walking towards the food and eggnog table. Thor was standing there merrily, pouring a large bottle of rum into a bowl of eggnog.

“Do you think that’s the same bowl as earlier, or do you think that’s a new bowl?” Peter whispered. Wade considered the question for a moment before replying.

“Have you ever hung out with anyone from the Classics department before?”

“Not really, no. Don’t have much time. I met Thor once, though. He seems cool?”

“He is cool,” Wade agreed. “He’s also a mythology professor with a love of mead. That’s probably the same bowl as earlier, if I had to guess. Anything’s possible though if you believe.”

“Wade, I don’t think belief is going to affect the alcohol content of that eggnog.”

“That’s what a nonbeliever would say. Shun the nonbelievers!”

“Shuuuuuuuuunnnnnnnnn,” Peter chimed in robotically, as if he were _obligated_ to quote YouTube videos from the early 2000s.

“Whelp. There’s only one way to answer our question, Dr. Parker.”

“Experiment?”

“Experiment. And not with my sexuality this time!” Peter actually threw his head back and laughed at that one.

“Well, you know what they say.”

“That pansexuals are really into fucking pans?”

“Please, _everyone_ is into a good cast iron skillet—”

“True!”

“I meant that buddies who drink together sink together.”

“I’m almost certain that you just made that up, but that’s why I’ve decided we’re best friends now. I’m in!” Wade exclaimed, reaching for a new cup of eggnog. Getting drunk with a handsome coworker was never a bad way to start an evening or a friendship. Or, you know, a picket fence, 2.5 kids, dog, meth lab in the basement, etc. Wade raised his newly acquired glass and raised it into the air.

“Here’s to overworking ourselves!”

“To being complete morons and never learning!” Peter agreed, clinking his glass against Wade’s. “Or maybe to somehow being in charge of large groups of students. Don’t know who the hell thought leaving me in charge was a good idea?”

“Cheers to that! Me leading the education of children is a shitty idea all around!” The two men raised their drinks to their mouths. Peter’s grimace was pretty impressive.

“You were right. This is more rum than nog. Good rum, but _unexpected_ rum.”

“Thor doesn’t fuck around. You should see the mead he’s brewing in his office.” Peter downed the rest of his drink like a really large shot, and went for another glass. Wade let out a low whistle when Peter slammed the second drink.

“I’ve never made a good decision in my life, and I’m not about to start now,” Peter said, going for a third glass.

“Never said that you should, babe. On an unrelated note, how do you feel about kids?”

“I like them. Why?”

“Because we’re friends now! I have a daughter. These things are important to know. Let’s go dance!” Wade abruptly changed the subject, and pulled Peter towards the dance floor. Peter only put up a token protest, and followed Wade.

Several hours later, Wade was home, he had Peter’s number in his phone, the babysitter was paid, and Ellie had been checked on. Thankfully she had been fast asleep when he walked into her room. He kissed her head gently, and left her sleeping in the glow of her unicorn night light. As he collapsed into bed, he saw he finally had a reply from MJ.

[](https://www.flickr.com/photos/182360183@N06/48165331842/in/dateposted-public/)

It didn’t take long for Wade to drift off to sleep, but he drifted off with thoughts of Peter. Peter was definitely the Flynt to his Callum, and they were on this ice road together for as long as it would go.


End file.
